You What Now
by Cazzie
Summary: Post Telling Humour. SV JI
1. Default Chapter

You What Now?  
  
~*~  
  
Welcome to my second post-Telling fic. After trying my hand at angst I decided to go back to my original love, humour, and here's the result. Some might wonder why bother with a post-Telling fic since some countries, and people with illegal tendencies, have already seen well into season 3 but whatever. I haven't and besides, I started this ages ago and have only just now finished it.  
  
Disclaimer: Well, I thought they were mine but my psychologist tells me otherwise. Then again my psychologist also tells me Alias isn't real so I'm not sure I should believe him.  
  
~*~  
  
Sydney just stared in shock at the man sitting across from her. Two years? It just wasn't possible. And the ring, what the hell was the ring about?  
  
"Vaughn." She began to speak.  
  
"Yes, Syd?" He leaned closer to her.  
  
"Why are you wearing a wedding ring? And.." She raised her voice and continued after seeing his mouth open as if to reply. "I feel I must point out than an unsatisfactory answer will result in much unpleasantness for you. I may be disorientated, scared and have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on, but I'm pretty sure I can still beat you to a pulp."  
  
"Ah." Vaughn replied, before standing and moving to the other side of the room. "Well, you see. I went to pick you up for our trip and I found Will and Allison Doren in your rather smashed up apartment. You weren't there so I just assumed you'd cancelled on me and when you didn't call to explain I thought you weren't interested in me any more. So I went to a bar, got really, really drunk and woke up the next morning married to some woman named Lauren."  
  
Sydney looked down at her hands for a while as though considering what she had just heard.  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"Well she does have certain benefits." Vaughn shrugged.  
  
"What?" Sydney asked incredulously.  
  
"Yeah, you know. Married couples get tax breaks and the ring stops all those ugly women throwing themselves at me as I walk along the street."  
  
"Oh, but what about Lauren? How do you feel about her?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Your wife."  
  
"Oh, right. No she left a couple of hours after we woke up. She keeps in contact, writes occasionally, you know. Last I heard I think she was part of some cult that were all planning to kill themselves on the next full moon so the mothership could take them home. Hmm." He looked up in deep thought and started muttering to himself.  
  
"What?" Sydney asked, confused.  
  
"Nothing. I'm just trying to work out if I'm a widower or not." He continued his deliberation for a few more seconds before breaking out into a grin. "Yeah, the full moon was three days ago. She should be halfway to her home planet by now!"  
  
"Right." Sydney wondered if she could go to sleep and wake up somewhere else again.  
  
"So, you want to go back to L.A.? Everyone's waiting for you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, well Dixon was busy, but he sent a card. Here, I'll show you." He handed her the card, which showed a picture of a cake and the words "Happy Birthday" scribbled out carelessly. Opening it she saw that the birthday wishes inside had also been scribbled out and that Dixon had written his own greeting.  
  
'Dear Syd, congratulations on not being dead. See you at Christmas. Dix.'  
  
"Well, that's sweet. I guess." Sydney stared at the message.  
  
"We all thought so. In fact we considered sending a big card with all our names on, but it seemed like so much effort to make everyone sign it, and we'd have had to find a good one, which you know is so hard to do in those card shops. Plus do you know how much cards that size cost? The C.I.A. doesn't have the budget for those things!"  
  
"It's all right. I appreciate the thought." She smiled up at him. "Are we going to go back now?"  
  
"Back where? Oh, right. To L.A. Sorry, forgot what we were supposed to be doing for a minute there. Yeah, let's go."  
  
Just as the two stood up to leave the door opened and another person entered the room.  
  
"Marshall?" Sydney asked, more confused than ever.  
  
"Er, yeah, hi Syd. It's good to see you, after we thought, well you know. But yeah I just, that is I..."  
  
"Why are you here?" Vaughn asked, as equally confused as Sydney.  
  
"Um, well, the thing is. I have no idea. I just, came to be here. Last thing I knew I was home and now, poof, here I am. It's a bit, well, strange."  
  
"Tell me about it." Sydney muttered.  
  
"Right." Vaughn looked around. "I guess we should all be heading back now."  
  
"Wait! Don't I get some sort of explanation as to why I'm, you know, here and not where I was and should be. Carrie's going to be worried." Marshall asked tentatively.  
  
"Hey! If he gets an explanation I should too!" Sydney was indignant. "I lost two years of my life, he just finds himself magically transported thousands of miles, I'm the more important one here!"  
  
"As usual." Vaughn rolled his eyes, then realised he was being given the Bristow death glare. "Er, I mean. Of course you're more important, it's usual for that to be the case, because you're the one who's usually in trouble and usually does all the work and as usual you need the explanation because as usual you're more important...Darling."  
  
Vaughn's hopeful face and frenzied babbling helped calm Sydney's anger, but she still wanted to know what the hell was going on and had a yearning to beat someone's head in. Soon. Really soon.  
  
~*~  
  
The flight back to L.A. was fairly uneventful. Vaughn attempted to melt his wedding ring with a lighter. Needless to say he was unsuccessful and received a good telling off from one of the crew.  
  
Upon arrival they found conspicuous government issue cars waiting to take them to the Ops Centre, or Joint Task Force headquarters, or whatever it's called.  
  
Just as Vaughn had promised when Sydney entered the rotunda she found her father and friends waiting for her. Except Dixon, cos he had something else to do. And Francie. Cos she's dead.  
  
"Hey Syd! Good to see you!" Weiss walked up and enveloped her in a huge hug, only letting her go when he realised that her need for oxygen was rather pressing. Will followed suit, but held her in such a way that she was able to breathe.  
  
Jack made no move to approach his daughter, and the hurt was clearly visible in Sydney's eyes. Everyone else turned and looked at him expectantly.  
  
"I'm not believing anything until you can prove she is who she says she is."  
  
"What? Dad, it's me! It's Sydney."  
  
"How can I know that?"  
  
"Dad, you've got to believe me. I don't know what's happened, but it's me. It really is."  
  
"You could be a clone, like Francie and that Ethan Hawke guy. Or Sloane may have brainwashed you into working for him. Or aliens could have replaced your brain with someone elses and you're really a stranger in my daughters body while Sydney is walking around in yours."  
  
"Riiiight. Has he been on any drugs these past two years?" Sydney looked around the other faces in the room, all of which scrunched up in confusion.  
  
"Maybe you're Irina with a face lift! Or a past version of her who has travelled forwards in time for some nefarious reason."  
  
"Seriously. No drugs?" Sydney's repeated question was met with unified shaking of heads.  
  
"Or, you could be a magic leprechaun, we all know how tricky those guys are. This could all be part of some bigger plot to replace the American government with evil pixies."  
  
"Evil pixies?"  
  
"Ha! So you admit it! You work for the evil pixies, don't you? Don't you?!" Jack was advancing on her with a manic look in his eye and the others had to stand between them to protect her from him.  
  
"Jack, calm down." Vaughn tried to reason with him. "I know this must be difficult for you to accept, but Sydney is alive, and she's here. There are no evil pixies. Remember? Remember what the doctor said? It's all in your mind."  
  
"Right. All in my mind." Jack was calming down now. "I suppose this means there aren't any gigantic unicorns either?"  
  
"Exactly." Vaughn nodded.  
  
"Okay, I'm fine. I'm good. No evil pixies, no gigantic unicorns, no terrifying blobs trying to take over the world by infiltrating the minds of children."  
  
"Well, actually, those exist."  
  
"They do?"  
  
"Yes. They're the Boohbahs."  
  
"Oh. Right." Jack wandered off in a disorientated haze, walking into several desks and chairs as he hummed the theme to The Flintstones.  
  
All thoughts of going after him were forgotten as Sydney noticed another person enter the area.  
  
"Francie?"  
  
"It's so good to see you Syd!" She hurried over to hug her friend and was surprised when Sydney stepped backwards.  
  
"But, but how? Is it really you?" She kept staring at her best friend. Vaughn was the one who answered her question.  
  
"It's really her Sydney. We retrieved her when we raided the hideouts of one of Sloanes associates. All the tests confirm she's the real deal."  
  
"That's so wonderful!" Sydney rushed to hug her friend. "I'm so glad to see you Real Francie."  
  
Francie pulled away and looked around the room exasperated. "Why does everyone keep calling me that?!"  
  
~*~  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
~*~  
  
Please review. Oh, and the J/I will be in the next part. Promise. 


	2. Part II

You What Now? Part II  
  
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed part one. You're all wonderful people!  
  
~*~  
  
"So, let me get this straight? Francie was shot. In the middle of her forehead. And she's still alive?"  
  
Sydney and Vaughn were sitting in his apartment, discussing recent events over wine and munchies.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Okay, am I the only one wondering how?"  
  
"Well, we thought about that but decided to let it go. I mean, the hole can be easily covered up with make-up so it doesn't really matter." Vaughn explained their reasoning, which seemed to satisfy her.  
  
"Right. And what the hell is up with my father?"  
  
"Well to be honest we don't really know. He went away for a while and when he came back he was wearing a tin-foil hat and talking about aliens reading his brainwaves."  
  
"So, what did you do about it?"  
  
"We sent him to Barnett of course. That's how the CIA deals with everything."  
  
"Oh."  
  
A few hours of talking, cuddling and wild hot spy sex later Vaughn was asleep in his bed with a huge grin on his face while Sydney surfed the internet catching up on the latest happenings in all her favourite shows. Suddenly an instant message from nowhere appeared on the screen, instructing her to open the front door.  
  
Despite the highly suspicious nature of this message and the technical improbability of someone at the front door being able to send it, Sydney decided to do what it said.  
  
She opened the door to find her father waiting on the other side.  
  
"Dad? What are you doing here?"  
  
He surprised her by drawing her into his arms and holding her fiercely.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"It's really you Sydney! I've missed you so much."  
  
"What's going on?" She pulled away, confused at this new behaviour. "Why are you acting so differently?"  
  
"Ah, I see you met Neville."  
  
"Neville? Who's Neville?"  
  
"My double. I wanted out of the CIA so I rebuilt the doubling machine and turned Neville into a clone of me and asked him to take my place. He's a bit of a conspiracy nut so he jumped at the chance to work in such a position."  
  
"But why would you do that? Why didn't you just quit?"  
  
"I wanted to go work with your mother and we both know what would have happened if the CIA knew about that, so I had to find a way to stop them keeping tabs on me."  
  
Sydney was rather shocked at this turn of events. "My mother?!? What are you crazy? Why would you do that, after everything she's done, how can you trust her?!?"  
  
"Well Sydney, it's quite simple really. Your mother is hot."  
  
"Excuse me?!?!?"  
  
"Very hot."  
  
"Wha...?"  
  
"And wow does that woman have moves. There were days when we didn't even leave the bedroom."  
  
"Stop! Please! I really don't need to hear this!" Sydney covered her ears and eyes in a desperate attempt to make the images go away.  
  
"Very well. I need to be leaving soon anyway. I just wanted to come by and see you."  
  
"I'm glad you did Dad. Kind of."  
  
"Me too, now if you'll excuse me I believe my wife is waiting."  
  
The smile that came on to his face as he turned to leave disturbed Sydney so much she went to the kitchen looking for as much alcohol as she could find.  
  
And that was how Vaughn found her, having been woken up by her entirely tuneless rendition of Boehmian Rhapsody, sitting on the kitchen floor surrounded by bottles.  
  
"Syd?"  
  
"Hey Vaughn!" She tried to stand up and promptly fell back down. "I fell over!"  
  
"I see. Are you all right?"  
  
"Yeah! Fine!" She waved her hands around. "I just saw my dad and now, now trying to erase the images from my mind."  
  
"Why would you do that?" He was completely confused now.  
  
"Because. Because, because, because, because, because! Because of the wonderful things he does. Or icky. Icky things."  
  
"You're drunk."  
  
"Yes. And highly disturbed. So I think that's a pretty good combanashion."  
  
He sighed and picked her up, ignoring her squeal of protest. Taking her back to the bed he resolved to tidy everything up in the morning, and maybe find out what was going on Sydney's mind. Although he didn't hold up much hope for the latter.  
  
~*~  
  
Unfortunately for Sydney all the alcohol in the world was not enough to erase certain images and she woke up the next morning with a blinding headache and the disturbing knowledge that right at this moment her parents were quite possibly having sex.  
  
She groaned and tried to think of other things, like Sloane in a bikini.  
  
Oh dear God no.  
  
Yep. That worked. It definitely wasn't her parents who were the cause of her precarious mental state any more.  
  
~*~  
  
A couple of hours and many pills later Sydney found herself in front of Kendall's desk.  
  
"Well Agent Bristow, I see no reason why you shouldn't be reinstated into your old position. However I must point out that since you've used up two years of vacation time you won't be having a holiday for quite a while."  
  
"So basically it'll be no different to before."  
  
"Exactly. Now, we would send you on a mission but we don't have one yet. Your father was supposed to gather intelligence on a new terrorist organisation and organise an operation but all he came back with was pictures of explosions from movies. And since we're not going after the bad guys from 'Die Hard' I don't think we have anything that needs doing right at the moment."  
  
"I see sir, can I go now?"  
  
"Dismissed."  
  
Sydney walked out into the rotunda and saw that Kendall had been telling the truth; there was nothing to do. Vaughn and Weiss were engaged in a thumb war, Marshall was making intricate paper dolls and Will was doodling on his desk, having long since filled up any paper nearby.  
  
Meanwhile her father, no wait, Neville, was standing in the corner making funny faces as he tried to perfect the Bristow Death Glare. So far he was not succeeding.  
  
~*~  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
~*~ 


	3. Part III

You What Now? Part III  
  
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! To show my gratitude I have gifts for you all. *Starts handing out tin foil hats*  
  
And now, the third and final part:  
  
~*~  
  
When Sydney and Vaughn returned to his apartment after work they were shocked to find it full of roses, candlelight and Jack Bristow tidying up.  
  
"Oh you're here, excellent. We'll be out of the way soon."  
  
"Dad?" Sydney stepped forward cautiously. "What are you doing?"  
  
"It wasn't my idea." He held up his hands in surrender. "It was your mother's. I didn't think we should, but you know her, she can be very persuasive." The faraway look in his eyes told her he wasn't talking about the usual 'I'm-a-highly-skilled-agent-and-I-can-kill-you-with-my-bare-hands- in-two-seconds-flat' type of persuasive.  
  
Just at that moment Irina popped her head out of the kitchen.  
  
"Dinner's almost ready dear, make yourselves comfortable."  
  
Sydney stood there and blinked a couple of times before she moved again. "Right, would you excuse us for a minute?"  
  
She grabbed Vaughn's hand and dragged him into the bedroom.  
  
"Okay, I have had to come to terms with some very strange things since my return but this, this is too weird."  
  
"Maybe they're just being nice because they're pleased you're back?"  
  
"Vaughn, honey? Just agree with me and everything will be all right. Okay?"  
  
"Yes dear."  
  
"Good, now..." she trailed off as she noticed something. Walking across the room she grabbed the small container and stalked back into the living room.  
  
"Okay. Who replace my birth control pills with tic tacs?" She rattled the box in front of her parents.  
  
"Oh, you noticed that huh?" Irina looked down sheepishly.  
  
"Well yes, it wasn't difficult since all you did was take a normal box of tic tacs and write "Sydney's birth control pills" over the label!"  
  
"You know you've only been back a day. How'd you get them so fast anyway?" Irina cocked her head to the side inquisitively.  
  
"Oh no, you don't get to change the subject. I want an explanation! For that, and for this bizarre romantic set up you've got going in here."  
  
"Why are you so upset? We just wanted to do something nice for you and Vaughn. You've been apart for so long I thought it would be a good idea to speed things up. You know you're not getting any younger."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sydney put her hands on her hips and attempted to stare her mother down. The two men, who had wisely stayed out of the discussion until this point ran for cover wherever they could find it."  
  
"It means you're in your thirties and still nothing. When I was your age I'd already got married, had a child and faked my death! You're moving too slow." Both women were practically shouting by now  
  
"Too slow? Too slow for what?"  
  
"For my grandchildren! Where are they?"  
  
"Mom! I'm not even married yet!"  
  
"Well hop to it missy. I haven't got forever and I'd like to have some time with them before I die. You know I never got to threaten your teenage boyfriends, I'll threaten theirs instead."  
  
"What if I have sons?"  
  
"Then I'll threaten their girlfriends."  
  
Seeing the conversation taking a slightly weird turn Jack decided now was the time to step in. He carefully guided his wife out of the apartment, doing his best to ignore the fact that she had started giving their daughter sex tips as they went.  
  
Silence fell as the door slammed shut and Vaughn and Sydney were left alone in the apartment.  
  
"Well..."  
  
"That..."  
  
"Was my mother wearing an apron?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"It's the apocalypse isn't it?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
~*~  
  
Back at work the next morning the office's attempt to construct the world's longest paper chain was interrupted by the arrival of two familiar faces. A meeting was called and soon Sydney and co gathered in the briefing room to hear what they had to say.  
  
The younger man stood up at the front of the room.  
  
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mr Sark and this is my associate Mr Sloane." Everyone nodded in greeting. "We're here to apply for a renewal of our position as series bad guys. If you look at the folders we've placed in front of you I think you'll see why we make excellent candidates for the job. We've already proven ourselves as worthy adversaries to both the CIA and more specially Ms Bristow herself."  
  
The group read through their information and nodded in agreement before Sark continued.  
  
"Therefore we think it would be in everyone's best interest to sort out the paperwork as quickly as possible. Mr Kendall, in your folder you'll find the necessary forms, if you could be so kind as to sign at the bottom."  
  
Kendall flicked through the pieces of paper until he found what he was looking for. After reading it through he pulled out his pen and scribbled his name at the bottom.  
  
"There you go Mr Sark. I'm looking forward to working against you again." He handed over the paper and the two men shook hands.  
  
"Well now that we're officially adversaries again I think it would be in our best interest if my colleague and I left now. I trust you'll give us the customary three day head start."  
  
"Of course. Never let it be said that we're not good sports."  
  
Kendall and Sark nodded in acknowledgment and the two reinstated bad guys left to go and plot their dastardly plans.  
  
"So what shall we do for three days?" Dixon addressed his question to the room.  
  
"Pictionary?" The suggestion came from Sydney. The groan that followed came from everyone else.  
  
~*~  
  
One week later.  
  
"Where on earth are they?" Sark paced back and forth in his and Sloane's new den of iniquity. "That's the second mission I've gone on where no one from the CIA has even bothered to show up!"  
  
"Look on the bright side, it means your missions were successes." An unimportant evil minion attempted to placate his boss.  
  
"But that's not the point. I wanted to taunt Sydney." Sark's lower lip jutted out in a pout as he sat down with his arms crossed.  
  
"Well maybe they'll show up next time."  
  
"They better. Otherwise this spy stuff is just boring."  
  
~*~  
  
Over at JTF there was a conference room full of tired and irritable people.  
  
"Please Sydney, I want to go home." Weiss' voice was muffled by the arms he was resting on, which actually belonged to Marshall, but at this point he was beyond caring.  
  
"No. I told you, no one leaves until someone correctly guesses my drawing. Come on, it's not difficult."  
  
Sydney was standing at the front of the room pointing wildly at something that vaguely resembled a squiggle with horns.  
  
Everyone else in the room was on the verge of falling asleep, including Kendall who, thanks to an earlier attempt at escape, was currently tied to a chair.  
  
This was going to take a while.  
  
~*~  
  
And so, gentle readers, the world of evil espionage is safe once more from those who would seek to destroy it. Maybe, some time in the future, the forces of the CIA will once again turn their attention to fighting criminal organisations but for now it would be advisable to take advantage of this lull in activity for your own nefarious purposes. Which is why I will be leaving you now...Business to take care of...Bye.  
  
~*~ 


End file.
